Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
New Tinder profile.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.