She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?
Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.
Unless his wife’s around.
Computer: Choose a password
Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Seems kinda suspicious
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.