@WildeThingy

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@ceejoyner

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

@English_Channel

Computer: Choose a password

Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water

Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak

@DurtMcHurtt

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

@Tmoney68

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk