@snack_lord

Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can

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@jwoodham

Every time I go for a run I think “why am I even doing this?” Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it’s like “oh yeah, duh.”

@RealRebelElle

Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?

The boss: People will just have to use common sense

—And this folks, is how the world ends

@kevinrowe1

My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

@Ryan_Patricks

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

@AJslackie

Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn’t even write a song about it.

@carlyken

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”