Every time I go for a run I think “why am I even doing this?” Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it’s like “oh yeah, duh.”
Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?
The boss: People will just have to use common sense
—And this folks, is how the world ends
My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.
[christmas lights are being put up]
Every moth ever: oh hell yeah
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn’t even write a song about it.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”