Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
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[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.