*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups