her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.