@AimeeHelene1

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

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@rickolantern

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is so talented on tiktok and I’m like look I can fold a towel.

@64spoons

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

@conanobrienswyf

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

@LittleMissAngr1

[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy

@Donna_McCoy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

@KimmyMonte

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

@LizHackett

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”