@actualhuman01
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
@AimeeHelene1
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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@actualhuman01
@smerobin
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
@PhilJamesson
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
@awsten
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
@Lanecat2
My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
@sarcasticmommy4
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
@TheToddWilliams
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
@yerpalmildsauce
WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”
@wendchymes
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
@AskAuntieEm1
Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.