@AimeeHelene1

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

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@actualhuman01

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@smerobin

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

@PhilJamesson

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

@awsten

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@sarcasticmommy4

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@yerpalmildsauce

WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”

@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

@AskAuntieEm1

Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.