*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question


I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.


Everyone is so talented on tiktok and I’m like look I can fold a towel.


Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.


Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha


How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.


[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy


I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.


Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates


Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”