oh you wanna fight?!
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic
assistant: very attractive, sir
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
This meal prepping shit easy
I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?