@mrjohndarby

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

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@pilau

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

@fightforfood

Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.

@ch000ch

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

@clemwin

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

@jennifereblue

I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!

@Julian_Deane

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@ZombieProblms

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

@theshamingofjay

I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.