Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic
assistant: very attractive, sir
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Her: Pull my hair!!
*grabs her mustache*
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom