if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I missed you with all my darts
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Don’t tell me what to do
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.