sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic
assistant: very attractive, sir
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Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?
[First day at New Job]
New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?
<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.