@mrjohndarby

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

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@Home_Halfway

Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.

@schumoo

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

@UnFitz

I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.

@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@NicestHippo

[religion conference]
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too

@smint

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?