spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

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Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.


I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy


Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.


Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels


I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing


[religion conference]
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too


Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?