@mrjohndarby

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

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@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@Divergentmama

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

@LackOfShame

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@McGrumpenstein

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

@WheelTod

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom