When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
You Might Also Like
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.