Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now