Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
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Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Name another movie that mislead you?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“I FIXED IT!”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee