Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?