Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
🤣
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
#have a #great #PancakeDay
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total