Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.