Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Mission: Impossible
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.