[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing