I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.
Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?
Shhh don’t talk, I’m imagining you smart.