Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Vampire: What is this?
Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-
Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.