Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?


“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment


FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor


ME: Nah, just drove really fast


Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!


Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.


My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”


My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.


If I said I was the king of the jungle, I’d be lion to you.


[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS


My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.