@Rollinintheseat
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
@RobDenBleyker
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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@Rollinintheseat
@AbbieEvansXO
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
@lloydrang
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
@seamusmckracken
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
@GraceSpelman
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
@myles_morrison
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”
@girl_a_whirl
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
@Brampersandon_
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
@ThaJawn
Vampire: What is this?
Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-
Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!
@zacharyflynn
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.