Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

@druuuck

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

@DvuslyMarvelous

Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.

Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.

@Brampersandon_

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

@purcival

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

@UncleDuke1969

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

@iAmJuddy

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

@PearlsFromMyrna

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

@ShrugLord

How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?

@DivorceDiva

Shhh don’t talk, I’m imagining you smart.