@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

@lloydrang

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

@seamusmckracken

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

@myles_morrison

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”

@girl_a_whirl

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

@ThaJawn

Vampire: What is this?

Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-

Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.