Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You Might Also Like
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I get distracted pretty eas
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you