*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
This is sending me to another galaxy
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?