@magicChopstick

Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

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@Marlebean

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

@buttgh0st

[at club]
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
“WHAT?”
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE

@InternetHippo

OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!

ME: OMG *clutches guns*

[7 years later]

ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever

@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT

@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@AristotlesNZ

Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.

@Elizasoul80

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

@comotethomas

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me