Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.


I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?


me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag


[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]


If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.


Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”


Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.


WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog


Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.


I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”