My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
That is not Spider Man
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DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE
OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!
ME: OMG *clutches guns*
[7 years later]
ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me