@magicChopstick

Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

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@Reverend_Scott

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

@MsCassieDaniels

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

@thatUPSdude

Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.

@LarryFulford

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

@remyzaken

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

@ArfMeasures

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

@Muath_tu

I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?