Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

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Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]



Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!


Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.


Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.


I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing


[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though


I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.


This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color


I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.


Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?