My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Education is vital
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.