@Sarcasticsapien

Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.

@owillis

2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well

@Tmoney68

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

@johnbiehl

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

@PLATINUM2000

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

@BCMontgo

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

@Lisabug74

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@h2_eh

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.