nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2010: any day
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.