Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*puts my mental health in rice
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Come back with a warrant
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
pep talk
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…