I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.
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Finding Nemo. Grilling Nemo. Eating Nemo.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”