@Sarcasticsapien

Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.

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@shanethevein

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

@TheRealPalMal

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@clichedout

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

@JustDontBugMe

Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

@Rollinintheseat

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

@N0pantz

Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.