Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.

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[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?


I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.


2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well


Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.


Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they


Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.


Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.


My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?


I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.