[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.