[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.


I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.


In order to prepare for the future, I’m going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I’m drinking.


Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look


I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!


In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.


The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust


[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”


Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.