@dulcetry

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

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@PlopWaffle

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

@ClichedOut

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

@aboladejohn_

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

@nanglish

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@Gupton68

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

@SinCityChiGirl

If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
#WellThatsAGoodQuestion

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.