Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark : No
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
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Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.