@dulcetry

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

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@TomSchally

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.

@Lisa_Laughs_

In order to prepare for the future, I’m going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I’m drinking.

@clichedout

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

@WilliamAder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

@Home_Halfway

In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.

@GrahamKritzer

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

@Rollinintheseat

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

@Parentpains

Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.