@ReAnim8ed_: Officer, if I can't stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn't call it the breakdown lane.

@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@RoosterMustache: I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@Talk_To_The_Hat: I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

@TheToddWilliams: ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you LION: I just have one of those familiar faces ELEPHANT COP: You don't know who the hell you're dealing with