@iGreenMonk Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature’s way of saying,
“How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room..”
@justokdane spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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@iGreenMonk 
@QwertyJones3 Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
@Ygrene [after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
@SadPeruna Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
@TheAndrewNadeau FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
@MomOnFire If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
@david8hughes [the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there
@cottoncandaddy when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
@TheRobCee A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
@ZonePhysics 