Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ThisOneSayz

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

@GrandadJFreeman

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

@Whitnuts

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

@daemonic3

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

@jellybnbonanza

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

@BoomBoomBetty

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

@JimmerThatisAll

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

@Epygma

*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
“nice try”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.