@justokdane

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

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@iGreenMonk

Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature’s way of saying,

“How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room..”

@QwertyJones3

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

@Ygrene

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

@SadPeruna

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

@MomOnFire

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there

@cottoncandaddy

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour