spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
*pronounces surface like Versace*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?