Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.