spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND