@Tarrigan

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

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@MarshallMcFar11

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

@ColIegeStudent

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

@Divergentmama

Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.

@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that

@Burger_Time_

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

@70Ceeks

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.