[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The sacred texts.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
accurate
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Never forget.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car