Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
concern
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Duck typos.
Doggies just call it style.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
This could be us but you eatin’
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*