Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.