Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
You Might Also Like
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
God: *twisting an owl* I can鈥檛 get this damn jar open
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
me when I see my crush
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: *Holding gun* I can鈥檛 tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that鈥檚 that. Let鈥檚 go, New Gary
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Mary Poppins: 馃幎A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down馃幎
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My girlfriend鈥檚 just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I鈥檓 gonna be little red riding wood.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there鈥檚 nothing in the rules that says you can鈥檛 grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.