A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Generation gap…
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Mad Max Arctic Road
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Ugh
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.