@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

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@FuckabillyRex

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@cynicanoldicus

Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I’ll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@Marlebean

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@Skoog

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

@ohmygrapeness

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

@TEXASVETERAN

Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@supershayne

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!