Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

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I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.


Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I’ll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.


her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall


Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.


Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.


Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.



I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.


[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above