Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

@AbbyHasIssues

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

@CodyLane08

If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

@simoncholland

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@o__0Dev

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

@Skoogeth

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*