There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.