Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa