@dave_cactus

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@KenJennings

Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.

@BobTheSuit

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

@TSDD24

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

@rudy_mustang

STEM major: what are you learning in school

Kindergartener: shapes and colors

STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that

@SondraDeeMe

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

@ArfMeasures

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

@ThisLocalHater

To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?

@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

@matt_travelling

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math