Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
STEM major: what are you learning in school
Kindergartener: shapes and colors
STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math