Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
You Might Also Like
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really