Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
when nothing goes right… go left
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me