@pleatedjeans

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

You Might Also Like

@LaniBeno

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

@mrjohndarby

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

@thenatewolf

ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry!

ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.

@drinksmcgee

The Elm Street Daycare Centre has a strict “no naptime” policy.

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

@knew_nic

“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.

@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@PhoenixRises69

Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time 🙁