Great ad placement for a funeral director.
[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry!
ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.
The Elm Street Daycare Centre has a strict “no naptime” policy.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time 🙁