Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
You Might Also Like
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I need better friends
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails