Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
You Might Also Like
i now pronounce you bounced.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well