*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”


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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?


Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim


“Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?” I ask.

“Maybe a little,” says my butler.

I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times.

“Don’t touch me without your gloves,” I wheeze.


Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.


COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so


Jesus:”table for 26 please”

Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”

J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”


“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”


Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.


Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.