@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

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@slimmy_shady

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@thenatewolf

“Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?” I ask.

“Maybe a little,” says my butler.

I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times.

“Don’t touch me without your gloves,” I wheeze.

@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

@ArfMeasures

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

@medievalfun

Jesus:”table for 26 please”

Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”

J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

@AJslackie

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.