*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

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interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.


Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?


when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man


The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room


[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]



I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date


Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.


me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles


Me: What are your plans for tonight?

13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.

Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.


if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away