interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
suspect: i confess.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: What are your plans for tonight?
13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.
Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away