*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
You Might Also Like
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
We found love in a hopeless place.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.