[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

You Might Also Like


When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.


I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.


ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.


For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.


Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way


ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot


I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.


You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.