@SardonicTart

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

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@clichedout

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

@DadandBuried

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

@TweetPotato314

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

@alive_and_dying

One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.

@Amusitr0n

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

@kelly__le

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: