@SardonicTart

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

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@iwearaonesie

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

@karanbirtinna

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

@MeredithIreland

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

@XplodingUnicorn

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

@jennifer_reber

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.