@SardonicTart

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

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@realHamOnWry

What did I learn today?

Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.

@therealeatwood

All I wanna do is

*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*gun cocks*
*cash register*

Get this reference

@jimmytorosian

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

@pilau

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

@jazz_inmypants

BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question

BOSS:

ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank

@shawnspree

In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

@mrjohndarby

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

@hellohappy_time

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese