her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.
I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: