When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.
ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.