wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him: How much money do you have?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Idea for an app:
it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.