[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.