spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.