Me pretending I’m a dog to trick the coronavirus
Spins a web.
Just like flies.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
How to win an argument with a woman:
1. Too late, you’re already wrong.
If Hillary wins in 2016, it’s gonna be a huge year for shoulder pads
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*
M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.