@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

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@batkaren

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it

[date]

Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?

@chuuew

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

@Theropologist

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

@leifromloihi

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

@StupiDucker

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*