*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
You Might Also Like
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
shut up and take my money
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶