spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”