spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid