How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”