Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
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What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
No. YOU-buprofen.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*