*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.