@sageboggs

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

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@causticbob

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

@MrScottEddy

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

@mallaidhanne

if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life

@AnkCoupleTO

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

@roxaroodw

I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@dixoterin

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

@garrettbarry70

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.

@michaeljhudson

What sound does a cow make?
“Moooo”
Good, a duck?
“Quack”
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy