*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Ovenable?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.