@Lazer_Cat_

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

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@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

@haveigotnews

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

@MattMcElaney

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

@the_anastasia

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

@Fred_Delicious

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

@Jake_Sniff

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

@errdayhustlah

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

@texasstalkermom

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist