@Lazer_Cat_

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

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@joshgondelman

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

@iliezabeth

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

@SoloSalinas

Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

@SCbchbum

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

@darksidesith75

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@michimama75

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.